


The Darkening Of Doors

by MerySim



Category: Block B, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, MAMA 2014, Past Relationship(s), Using the F Slur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2019-10-22 23:16:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerySim/pseuds/MerySim
Summary: "I want us to get along. For his sake. But...""You don't know if you can do that?""I don't know. I just wish you weren't back"~~~~Namjoon didn't think he'd see Jiho ever again. He had tried to make sure of it. But their industry wouldn't let them stay apart forever. MAMA threw them together and this couldn't possibly go well.~~~~Adding Tags as I go.





	1. Chapter 1

Until their joint stage at MAMA, Namjoon had successfully avoided anything and everything to do with Woo Jiho. He had avoided seeing Jiho even in pictures and avoided hearing his voice in any song. Namjoon knew that it would hurt when he finally saw him. But still, he avoided him until the last moment... until his bandmates found out that he knew him.

"HYUNG! You didn't tell us you knew Zico-sunbaenim!" Taehyung whined one day after a particularly draining dance practice.

"Huh, what? How did you know? " Namjoon spoke, shaken slightly.

"You released a track together and everything." Jimin pouted looking over Taehyung's shoulder at his phone.

"No way! " Jungkook exclaimed clamouring over to the other two. "Play it! "

"Ah it's really not all that good.. " he said as the intro started, but to no avail.

After 5 years of avoiding him and their past Namjoon finds himself sitting awkwardly as all that effort is laid to waste. He feels his chest constrict as the memories of writing and recording the track rush through him. The small room and stale air vivid as though he were back there on the shitty couch they found on the street.

"Hyung what's he like?" Jimin asked.

"Jiho? Um, I don't really know. " Namjoon lied. _It's not a lie I haven't seen him in years,_ he thought to himself.

"But you worked with him! " Jungkook pouted.

"Kook we were part of the same crew but other than that we didn't talk much. He was always close with Kyung-hyung. "

"Well, what was it like working with him? " Taehyung asked, bouncing in place and looking like a puppy.

"Uhh, nothing special, just like with Yoongi-hyung before debut. He was really good at what he did so I respected him. "

"I bet it'll be fun working with people you knew so long ago! " Jimin smiled.

"I'm sure it will be, Jiminie" he sighed, "stuff was way different back then though, I'm sure we're both really different. "

Namjoon knew that lying to his bandmates wasn't the greatest but if he had to get into what happened he's sure he wouldn't be able to go through with the performance. He just hoped that he could get through it even without reopening those wounds.

~~~~~~~

At their first meeting with Block B Namjoon almost broke down. When it was over he nearly ran into the nearest washroom and proceeded to vomit what little he was able to consume earlier that day.

He sat against the stall door for a moment before grabbing a wad of toilet paper and cleaning around his mouth. Solemnly he flushed the toilet and stood up only to find Jin standing by the sinks patiently.

"You alright? " Jin calmly asked

"Peachy. " Namjoon answered automatically.

"Then why did you throw up? " Namjoon froze for a minute.

"Please don't ask me that. " Namjoon looks down.

"Why not? " Jin spoke calmly.

"I can't tell you. "

"You can't tell me why you threw up, or, can't tell me why you don't want me to ask?" Jin asks gently.

"Both. " Namjoon moves to the sink, looking for an excuse

"If something is wrong you need to tell us. We can help."

"I don't think... "

"Or... Yoongi's happy with his therapist? If it's that... " Namjoon pales at that.

He turns to face Seokjin. "No, hyung it's not that, I didn't make myself throw up. "

"You're sure? " Jin spoke, worry now obvious in his voice.

"Yea... I... If you promise not to tell the others I can... Um. Give a hint kinda? " Namjoon started nervously.

"Sure... But if you're hurt then you know I can't keep an injury to myself " Seokjin said cautiously.

"Oh no, it's not that... It's um... Being around Kyung and Jiho is bringing back issues from before we became idols. I promise I'll be okay. " Namjoon assured.

"Are you gonna be able to do the performance? "

"Yea, of course, it's nothing I can't handle I promise. "

~~~~~~~

That night he sat in his studio far later than he knew he should. He waited until everyone else left before he finally turned on his computer and away from the blank page of lyrics he'd been trying to write. He opened Spotify and typed in the words that were burned into his mind since the meeting. He hovered over the play button for god knows how long internally debating whether he was ready for this. He could just read the lyrics, he didn't have to listen yet. No, that would be just as hard.

And so reluctantly he hit play.

He listened overwhelmed with the anger he felt in the rap. He listened to how Jiho faced all his hardships and his sense of resilience.

Suddenly he wishes he hadn't played the song. He feels his throat tighten and his eyes water. He scrolls back to make sure he was hearing it right and when that word from that voice slips into his ears the second time, he knows. And he cries. He cries for all the late nights that voice whispered sweet nothings, erasing his fear of that word. He cries for every stolen moment they had together and every stolen kiss.

_You're such a faggot bitch_

Namjoon cries in the silence after the song plays, that line still playing through his head. He wishes that after all this time he could finally convince himself to hate Jiho. Hate him for playing with his heart. Hate him for leaving. Hate him for lying to him. But he couldn't. All he could do was want him. Want to be with him like then. Want to kiss him again. Want to whisper sweet nothings and save Jiho from that word. But he couldn't. All he could do was hide from him.

He hears a knock on his studio door and scrambles to close the computer window.

"Joonie?" He hears a gruff voice call through the door.

He swallows harshly before responding "Come in hyung"

He opens the door and slowly enters. "What are you doing here so late? " Yoongi starts carefully.

"Um. I... Nothing. I was jus-.." His voice breaks as he stumbles over excuses.

"I was leaving and I heard you"

"Hyung... " he tries before he feels Yoongi's arms wrap around him.

Yoongi says nothing just hugs him. And the damn properly breaks this time, leaving Namjoon sobbing into Yoongi's shoulder. He tries to say something... Anything but he chokes on it as Yoongi quietly hums whatever song he'd been listening to most recently and rubs his back.

Slowly he's able to muffle and stop his sobs and pulls back "Sorry I-"

"It's okay. I know you're really stressed about something. Is there anything I can take over to help? "

"It's not... Um... I guess the collab stage... It's not much but um..."

"Done. You're going to hit a wall if you keep going at this rate. Besides, it's basically just people managing and talking to Zico-sunbaenim. Consider it taken care of, Joonie. "

"Thanks.. " he says with a sniffle.

"Rely on your hyungs, we know you're the leader but we're here to help. "

Namjoon doesn't reply, instead, he just presses his face back into Yoongi's shoulder.

~~~~~~~

The next time he sees Jiho is their rehearsal. He watches how he moves closely excusing it as research, for what he can't decide. He sits as the dance teams are rehearsing, and jumps when someone sits next to him. He looks over and recognized Kyung without hesitation despite the years and all the makeup.

"Uh hi..." Joon starts.

"It's been a long time hasn't it, Ranch. "

Namjoon pouts, "Hyung, you know it was Runch."

"Hyungs are supposed to tease their dongsaengs. But how are you? " Kyung chuckled

"Probably how you expect. "

"It can't be that bad we've heard your stuff and I'm sure you've heard ours, and we've been doing lots of ads. It's not like we were completely gone. " Kyung looked to Namjoon, sympathy in his eyes

"Actually... The first time I saw him since then was at our meeting... I also um didn't listen any of your stuff until last week. " Namjoon looked down at his hands.

"Joon-ah... "

"Hyung you know of all people what happened and how he obviously felt. I know you wish we could all be friends but I can't. Because you know how I felt," he muttered.

"He's different Joon-ah..."

"No, he's not, Kyung. I listened to Tough Cookie. I know. Maybe in other ways but not in the way that would make a difference. "

"I... Joon it's... It's not like that..." Kyung stuttered.

"You know what. It doesn't matter. After this is done, we won't have to see each other. I don't need this to change for it to work until then." He snapped quietly. "I don't want to get into it. Drop it or I'm walking away. "

Kyung did drop it but he didn't leave him alone. He changed the subject to asking about Namjoon's band members. It was strange talking to Kyung after so long but was nice to know his old friend still cared about him.

"Zico-ssi, Rap Monster-ssi, you're up" the rehearsal director called out.

Kyung gave him a look of sympathy as Namjoon stood up rigidly and walked over to the middle of the rehearsal space.

Namjoon took a deep breath as Jiho stood next to him. "Zico-sunbaenim. " he nods politely.

"Joonie, I-" he starts as a whisper

"Not now. We have work to do." Namjoon whispers back before turning to the director. "So how are we doing this?"

"Zico-ssi will go first, then you Rap Monster-ssi. You'll come out after the dance team and you'll need to hype each other. This is a battle but it's all for the show, right? "

"Right. Let's go then. "

The director nods and hits play. It takes Namjoon a moment to realize he knows the track playing. The only one he managed to listen to.

He bites his lip as he paces behind him. He falls back into the same stance and movement of when this was his everyday life. Trading off and playing with Jiho. He waits for his part to come up to throw his frustration into his movements knowing it would come off as battle attitude instead of personal then.

They finish quickly, only having to run through it once more after receiving blocking feedback. The director announces they're free to return to their dorms.

"Good you haven't lost it Naesco," Namjoon says before turning to head over to his bandmates.

"It was nice to see you, Namjoon."

Namjoon takes a breath and turns to Jiho. "Do you really mean that or is it another lie?" He whispers just loud enough for him to hear.

"Joon... " Jiho whispers as Namjoon turns and leaves him behind.

~~~~~~

Namjoon sits in his studio again listening to that song. This time it's actually research. He needs to know the song if he's properly going to back it up. He doesn't know why but he doesn't let himself scroll back to the beginning of the song before that line and ends up crying silent tears.

~~~~~~~

The day comes and Jiho crowds him on the stage, unlike in rehearsals. It gets a reaction from the audience and so he can't immediately back away. He pulls away as soon as possible and travels to the opposite side of the stage.

~~~~~~~

After their performance Yoongi excuses himself to go to the washroom and comes back to their seats two full performances later. "Didn't want to block views during a performance. "

"But you're so short they could just see right over you " Jungkook teases.

"Yah Kookie, respect your elders. "

~~~~~~~

Namjoon spent all day in the studio, a burst of creativity swamping him now that MAMA was done and he was free from the stress of his past. He was walking through the door of their apartment building a spring in his step when he stopped dead in his tracks. Yoongi stood between him and a silhouette. He slowly approached Yoongi and the other with him until he could hear their hushed words.

"Thanks for tonight... Jiho." Yoongi spoke softly.

"The pleasure was mine, babe. " Jiho replied happily.

"Cheesy. " Yoongi mumbled.

"You love cheese. Anyway, I guess this is goodnight? "

"Yeah, goodnight. "

Neither of them goes to move, giving Namjoon enough time to notice their intertwined fingers.

"You go first," Yoongi speaks quickly.

"I walked you home. It wouldn't be walking you all the way if I didn't make sure you got in." Jiho says back.

"I'm here in my building though so I'm home."

"Here compromise. If you give me a goodnight kiss I'll go first." Namjoon gasps aloud at that making both heads snap to him.

"Oh um Joonie, hi, when did you get here?" Yoongi babbled.

"Just now..." Namjoon's head was spinning, _they couldn't be._

"Oh um uh... You know Jiho... We're kinda dating now... "

"Um okay... I'll head up first. " Namjoon says rushing past them to the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all I missed last week because I had exams but I'm back! check out endnotes for update schedule and other fun stuff! This work is gonna have less in terms of chapter summaries and chapter titles than my other works but I hope the effort I put into each chapter makes up for it!

Namjoon walks straight to his room without acknowledging anyone or anything since he got the door open. He sits at his desk and stares at the wall, trying to collect himself.

_When did they get so close?_

_How did I not notice?_

_When did h-_

Namjoons thoughts were rudely interrupted by a hand poking his face, startling him.

"What? " he looks up "Oh Jin-hyung"

"Joon-ah, you didn't answer me if you ate."

"Huh? Oh, yea. Yea I did. Sorry, hyung was distracted. " Namjoon shook the thoughts from his head and looked down at the notebook on his desk.

"Uh huh? By what?" Jin asked perching himself on the edge of the table.

"Jiho" Namjoon flipped open the notebook on his table.

"You mean Zico-sunbae?" Jin tilted his head to the side curious.

"Oh um yea... " Namjoon bit his lip, realizing his slip up.

"Yah so informal" Jin punched his arm lightly.

"He's dating Yoongi-hyung"

"That's no reas- Wait, what? " Jin stood up.

"I saw them downstairs." Namjoon found himself speaking even though he wasn't entirely sure he should be sharing his friend's business.

"Oh? "

"Knowing him, I wouldn't have expected it," Namjoon spoke bitterly.

"Yoongi came out to us years ago," Jin spoke calmly

"I meant Jiho," Namjoon snapped the notebook shut and stood up.

"Knowing him? You told Tae that you didn't know him well."

"I... I was only kind of lying." He shrugged

"Well... " Jin started.

"Well what, hyung?" Namjoon looked over to Jin.

"How well do you know Zico-sunbae?"

Namjoon winced slightly. "I honestly don't know... "

"Well, what does that mean? "

They heard the front door open and shut. "Home!" he heard Yoongi call.

"Not now hyung" Namjoon whispered standing up and moving to the living room.

"Oh Joon, I'm s-"

"Hyung what were you thinking?!" Namjoon snapped once he got to the living room, where Yoongi stood kicking off his shoes.

"Huh?" Yoongi looked up confused.

"You know what, with Zico!" Namjoon spoke again, gesturing to the door behind Yoongi.

"Are you seriously mad??" Yoongi asked with a gasp.

"Yes because you're being a dumbass and not thinking!" Namjoon yelled.

"What are you saying Joon?"

"Do you want us to be crushed by scandals??" he demanded.

"Of course not why the hell would you think that?" Yoongi asked, offended.

"Joonie calm d-"

"You getting all close with _him_! Emphasis on him! That gets out and who knows what happens to us? "

"Joon I'm being careful! "

"No, the fuck, you're not! I was two feet in the door and I could hear you! And with him! "

"What about him?" Yoongi asked quieter.

"Have you not listened to his music?" Namjoon asked incredulously.

"Of course I have!"

"The reporters would love to blow up how number 1 rapper homophobe actually likes dick, wouldn't they? "

"That's not what that means..."

"No, he would just rather sell you and me out and make money than just NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL"

"KIM NAMJOON"

Namjoon whips around "WHAT?"

"ENOUGH! " Jin yelled sternly before immediately softening his voice. "That's more than enough. Jiminie, why don't you take Yoongi-ah to your room with Hobi?"

Jimin nodded as Namjoon protested "But h-"

"No. Look, he understands well enough by now"

Namjoon turned to see his other hyung, eyes glassy and curled in on himself as much as he could as he was guided away from the living room. "Hyung... I-"

"Namjoon, you two can talk later. Now go to your room and calm down. " Namjoon simply nodded at this and sulked as he walked the short path to his room with Jungkook. Once he arrives he flops back onto his bed.

It's silent for a moment until Jungkook speaks up. "Hyung are you okay? "

"Huh? Kook, why are you asking me that?" he looked up to the youngest.

"Because I've never seen you yell at Yoongi-hyung. I don't think you've yelled at any of us like that either." Jungkook spoke softly.

Namjoon lies there speechless for a moment. "No, I'm not okay... And it has nothing to do with any of you... "

"Can I help? " Jungkook offered after a moment, surprising Namjoon once again.

"I don't know..." He spoke softly.

"Hyung, can I ask you something? "

"Sure Kook. "

"Did you leave DNH because of Zico-sunbae?" He asked slowly.

_How the..._ "... Yea Kookie, I did. "

"Why?" He asked softly. "I won't tell, " he spoke as if already knowing the answer. Maybe he did, probably not all of it.

"Because... He broke my heart... He told me he couldn't pretend to be a _fairy_ anymore and that he couldn't be around me anymore. And that's why he was leaving."

Namjoon looked over at Jungkook now. Jungkook's jaw was hanging and his eyes wide.

"You didn't expect that last bit did you?" he chuckled bitterly, turning over then going to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Jungkook came with him to his studio the next day.

"You have to tell him," Jungkook spoke after a while.

Namjoon looked over to Jungkook briefly before turning back to the computer screen. "He's happy. He would never believe me. "

"You're his friend." Jungkook stood from the couch on the other end of the studio.

"So are you, why haven't you told him?" Namjoon turned in his chair pulling his headphones off his head.

"I promised you." Jungkook pouted.

"He would think I'm lying because of everything I said last night." Namjoon shrugged.

"Or he would believe you because you're his best friend," Jungkook snapped.

"Kookie... " Namjoon started weakly.

"Hyung?" Jungkook asked expectantly.

"I can't. What if he's changed?" Namjoon spoke.

"What if he hasn't?" Jungkook crossed his arms.

"We were kids. We were in the scene in a hip-hop crew." Namjoon tried to explain.

"Yoongi-hyung was too. He can take that into account himself." Jungkook stood up.

"Kookie, I can't... I really just can't." Namjoon spoke before turning back to the screen.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Kookie had slammed his door when he left the studio. Not too hard so the glass door was fine but hard enough that he was sure someone would notice. He just didn't expect who would come to check on him.

He let his head hang over his keyboard, guilt running through him when a set of 3 soft knocks had him jumping in his chair. He carefully got up and answered the door.

"Hey Joonie" Yoongi whispered.

"H-hyung, hi" Namjoon spoke, shocked.

"Everything alright? " The older rapper asked.

"Oh um yea sorry to bother you, was the door that loud?" he apologized sheepishly.

"I was on my way back from the bathroom," Yoongi shrugged.

"Oh... " Namjoon nodded awkwardly.

"Can we talk?" Yoongi asked after a moment.

"Oh! Yea um... Of course, come in."

The two sat in the studio awkwardly for a moment before Yoongi spoke up.

"Are you really mad that I'm dating a man?" he spoke trying and failing to sound confident.

"Shit no, hyung. How huge of a hypocrite would I be? I'm just worried..." Namjoon spoke sincerely

"Thank god, I just. I know you're... On my team.. But like I also get that it's your job to make sure we don't have scandals." Yoongi looked down, pulling on his fingers.

"It's... Not just that. I don't want you to get hurt, or any of the boys." Namjoon looked up at Yoongi.

"I talked to him after our fight" Yoongi sighed.

"O-oh? What about?" Namjoon asked, startled once again.

"The line... It had been bothering me too... He said that it's not something he believes, but that it's something he said. " Yoongi looked up as he spoke.

"Why did he write it in the song then if he didn't mean it?"

"He said that when he was younger, he said that to someone he cared about. That he hurt that person so much that he could never escape the words. Just like he could never escape from how others think of him, that no matter what he does his career and dreams rely on what people think about him." Yoongi answered slowly.

"Oh..."

"Joonie, you knew him back then. If only a little. Do you know who it might have been?"

Namjoon inhaled sharply at the question. How could he answer that without spilling everything? "Yea... I'm pretty sure..."

"What happened to him?" Yoongi whispered.

Namjoon sighed. He owed Yoongi as much honesty as he could manage after the night before. "I don't think he got over it... He left the crew pretty soon after Jiho-hyung left. "

"Oh... " Yoongi's face fell.

"Hyung?" Namjoon started. He felt like he should say more. Tell him that he was the person. But he didn't want to ruin whatever happiness Yoongi had found.

"Yea Joon?" Yoongi sounded unsure as he looked to Namjoon.

Namjoon took a deep breath. He couldn't say it all. Not yet at least. "I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have doubted you and your judgement. "

"No, we were really exposed. You were right about that," Yoongi admitted with a sigh.

"Still..." Namjoon started.

"Joonie, we're okay. I accept your apology " Yoongi smiled softly at him.

"Thanks, hyung."

 

~~~~~~~

 

Namjoon tossed and turned, unable to sleep well for days. At 1 AM, about a week later, he gave up trying to sleep and grabbed his phone. He spent about an hour trying to distract himself from the thought keeping him up. The same thought running through his head. He sat up staring at the empty chat box and the number before typing out, _"hey, did you change your number? "_

He bit his lip before pressing send.

He sat in silence for about two minutes, almost giving up until he got a ping.

_"Depends on who you're looking for. "_

_"Naco. "_

_"Who is this?"_

_"Rura."_

_"Joonie?"_

_"Jiho."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! If you don't follow me on twitter and you wanna know more about my writing schedule and stuff and when I'll be late I super recommend that you check it out! I'm public so you don't have to have an account to look at my tweets! 
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter! This work is centring more on the love story than Come Back Home is, but I'm still sticking by my not glorifying toxic behaviours so that's not the intrigue of the plot. I haven't fully decided which couples are end game but there's not gonna be sabotaging of relationships or throwing Zico or Joon under the bus in this fic which one might expect from this prompt, It's gonna be about dealing with consequences and healing after betrayal and trauma
> 
> as for update schedule~~~
> 
> I'm going to be updating Come Back Home every other week starting hopefully next week, and every week I'm not updating CBH I'll be updating any work of my own choice
> 
> For more from me check out my twitter! [@MerySimBTS](https://twitter.com/MerySimBTS) Guys I made it a link!!  
> Come yell at me y'all!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I could never escape it. That's why I chose it for mama. "
> 
> "You chose the song about our break up for a battle with me"
> 
> "No about how I could never escape you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so if you were here like last week and ur confused I messed up and double uploaded the last chapter but this is the right one! and I'm SUPER SORRY TO THAT ONE COMMENTER I LOVE YOU I HOPE YOU READ THIS

 

_ "Is it really you? " _

 

_ "No one else ever heard you call me Rura besides Kyung. " _

 

_ "I guess no one else ever called me Naco either. " _

 

_ "Why did you write that into your song? " _

 

_ "Write what? "  _

 

_ "In Tough Kookie. " _

 

_ "Oh" _

 

_ "So? " _

 

_ "I could never escape it. That's why I chose it for mama. " _

 

_ "You chose the song about our break up for a battle with me" _

 

_ "No about how I could never escape you" _

 

_ "That was the first time we saw each other for years Jiho" _

 

_ "You know what I mean" _

 

_ "No. I don't." _

 

_ "I heard your songs and saw your ads and saw you at awards and music shows _

_ You must have seen me too" _

 

_ "No. I avoided it" _

 

_ "Oh" _

 

_ "That was actually the first time I heard your songs"  _

 

_ "Ohh that's why" _

 

_ "That's why what."  _

 

_ "Um a bunch of earlier stuff is inspired by you... That's why I didn't know what line you meant earlier" _

 

_ "Oh" _

 

_ "Yea, um... So how are you? " _

 

_ "I'm good" _

 

_ "That's good" _

 

_ "Yea...  _

_ Jiho? " _

 

_ "Yea? " _

 

_ "If you hurt him, you really won't be able to get away from me. " _

 

_ "Never. " _

 

_ "You said the same to me." _

 

_ "Sorry " _

 

_ "You don't get to say that. " _

 

_ "Okay... Then deal, if I hurt him you can do whatever you want as revenge" _

 

_ "I gotta go. " _

 

_ "Okay... Sleep well I guess. " _

 

_ "You too" _

 

~~~~~~~

 

"Kookie, he knows. " Namjoon said one night as they laid staring at the ceiling.

 

"You told him?" Jungkook sat up, surprised.

 

"Jiho did. " Namjoon said, turning to face the younger.

 

"What? How did hyung react?" Jungkook looked concerned as he spoke, probably ready to jump up and comfort Namjoon.

 

"Well... He doesn't know it was about me though... Jiho didn't say. " Namjoon sighed, turning back to face the ceiling.

 

"Don't you think he should know it's about you?" 

 

Namjoon paused for a moment. "No, he knows what he needs to, it being me would just complicate things for him. "

 

"But hyung you're not over Zico- sunbae..." Namjoon felt himself freeze faster than he thought he could.

 

"Who said?"

"Your face," Jungkook said plainly.

 

Namjoon shook his head softly. "Either way it doesn't matter. As long as Yoongi-hyung is happy."

 

"He won't be happy when he finds out."

 

"I know, but I'd rather that happens when it won't lead to them breaking up."

 

Jungkook was silent at that. Namjoon could practically feel Jungkook holding himself back. From what he wasn't sure, but it was probably from calling him stupid. "Okay... I'm here for you if you need me, hyung. "

 

"Thanks, JK"

 

~~~~~~~

 

The next time Namjoon sees Jiho is coming out of his bathroom.

 

 Namjoon is walking out of the first long shower he's taken in months, a solid 30 minutes instead of the rushed 5-10 ones he's become used to. BTS has a free week and he found himself alone at the dorms. He makes sure his towel wrapped securely around his waist,  before leaving the bathroom to head to the small laundry closet in the apartment. He walks into the living room to make his way and stops in his tracks when he sees Jiho lying on top of Yoongi, lips locked. 

 

"Oh shit" he exclaimed, startling the two apart.

 

"Joon? " Yoongi speaks

 

"Uh I was in the shower, I ran pyjamas earlier...  Uh ill grab that and get out of your way, " he said darting over to the laundry area.

 

"Oh sorry, he said you were out... " Jiho started

 

"Ah it's okay, his home too, I'll just chill in my room no worries, " he speaks snatching the first 5 items to come out reasoning that at least one of those would be pants and one a shirt. 

 

"Sorry... " Jiho says awkwardly. 

 

Namjoon gives him a look before speaking up again "it's fine, have fun hyungs" and he darts into his room. 

 

~~~~~~~

 

He makes a point to not exit his room until Jungkook comes to get him. 

 

"Jin says dinner's almost ready." Namjoon Jumped at the sudden voice.

 

"When did everyone get home?"

 

"A while ago. Zico-hyung is still here though, so I told them that you had been trying to finish some lyrics and to leave you. " he explains "I hope that's okay? "

 

"Yea thanks... I kinda walked in on them earlier in just a towel. Not my proudest moment. "

 

"What?! They were... "

 

"No Kook, just making out. " Namjoon interrupted him before he could say that. He didn't want to think that they could've been doing just what the younger was thinking if he had come out just a few minutes later.

 

"Still, you okay?" Namjoon smiled at the way Jungkook softly checked after him. The kid was honestly too kind.

 

"Yea. It's getting easier... "

 

"You're lying. " Jungkook sat on the end of the desk that was clear of Notebooks

 

"Yea I am. But really you don't have to make excuses for me," Namjoon smirked opening the drawer of the desk to pull out a notebook. He didn't want the younger to make excuses for him but he also didn't want the younger to get in trouble if the others came in and saw the cleared desk.

 

"I don't mind. " Namjoon shook his head, lightly smacking the top of the younger's head with the notebook. Jungkook softly smiled before hesitating "Well he's staying for dinner. "

 

"Oh. "

 

"Yea, you want me to make an excuse? " he asks teasingly.

 

"No, I don't want to avoid him." Namjoon shook his head before placing the notebook on the desk.

 

"Okay.  "

 

They made their way to the living room which doubled as their dining room. The table set and jin bringing out food. 

 

"Yah, took you long enough. We finally have time for a family meal and we have a guest! " jin looked excited. "A great excuse to finally use our new kitchen. "

 

"Happy for you, Hyung. Need any help? "

 

"No, you stay out of there. We don't need the door coming off the fridge again." Jin glared at the rapper before darting back to the kitchen.

 

"That was ONE TIME! " 

 

"Have to disagree, Ranch. " Jiho chuckled walking into the room. 

 

"Yah, did Horse tell you to call me that? " Joon turned to him. 

 

"Didn't tell me I should, but he didn't tell me not to either." He smirked leaning against the doorway.

 

"Yah, hyung you told me you two didn't know each other! But you guys were friends?" Taehyung pouted coming into the room. 

 

Namjoon froze for a moment making brief eye contact with Jiho. 

 

"We weren't Taehyung. Namjoon-ah was better friends with my friend Kyungie. " Jiho jumped in to say

 

"Ohh. But ranch? "

 

"My old name was Runch Randa. Kyung's was Holke. I called him Horse because he would call me Ranch. "

 

"That's cute. " Tae smiled. 

 

"Yea. It was fun seeing him again for MAMA. I hadn't realized how much I missed the people from DNH. Well, the ones I knew at least. " he said making subtle eye contact with Jiho. 

 

Jiho looked away and moved over to the table where Yoongi has slipped past them to. 

 

Dinner went by fairly quickly. Immediately after finishing the maknae line ran to Tae, jimin and Hobis room to watch anime. Hoseok volunteered to do dishes and shooed Jin back to the table. It was just Namjoon, Yoongi, Jin and Jiho at the table now, sipping beer together as Yoongi and Jin traded embarrassing stories from being roommates. Namjoon felt guilt run over him as he .watched Jiho tenderly hold Yoongis hand. Yoongi might know some of what happened but... He doesn't know how little Jiho did to fix what he did... But how could he... 

 

Maybe it was the alcohol that made him think what he did next would be a good idea. Maybe it was his own bitterness and pettiness. 

 

"Jiho-hyung?" he started putting down the bottle he was drinking from.

 

"Yea Namjoon?" Jiho looked startled but made eye contact with the younger anyway.

 

"Yoongi told me about why you wrote that line in your rap," Namjoon said plainly, his eyes searching for a reaction.

 

"Joon-ah?" Yoongi whispered questioningly.

 

"Oh, yeah..."

 

"We both know who that's about. But... Did you ever try to reach out to him? To apologize?" he asked bitterly, then took a long sip of his drink.

 

"Namjoon, what are-" Jin started.

 

"I... I wanted to... " Jiho interrupted. 

 

"So you didn't?" Namjoon said more than asked. The silence after told him that Jiho knew it was a statement rather than a question. Namjoon settled back into his seat, satisfied with the unease that was on Jiho's face.

 

After a moment Jiho drew in a breath and spoke. "... For MAMA. Why did you write the new track? "

 

"It was a battle." Namjoon answered as if it was obvious.

 

"Everything we did was from promotions. " Jiho shrugged.

 

"That's not in my DNH" Namjoon speaks in English, before shaking out the cringe. Yoongi and Jin watched with faces of mixed concern and curiosity. Jiho, on the other hand, looked shocked before chuckling. 

 

"Yah you were always the hardest worker there." Jiho shook his head, relaxing slightly.

 

"That's not true. You and Kyung always wrote more than anyone." Namjoon leaned forward a bit. He wouldn't take credit for anything that wasn't his.

 

"That's only true because you were a perfectionist. You were always trying to prove yourself." Jiho waved him off.

 

"I was always the rookie. Besides, that was our MO. Never repeat, always win."

 

"Stuck with you? "

 

"It was a battle. All I know about battles, I learned there. "

 

"Why did you leave?" Jiho asked suddenly.

 

Namjoon tensed at that. "You left first, why don't you answer before asking me?"

 

"I still asked first." Namjoon could tell he wasn't going to say the reason even if he pried. Not in front of the others anyway.

 

"It was never the  _ same _ ...  _ They _ were never the same."

 

Jiho froze at that, his face morphing between shock and guilt. 

 

"I'm... Namjoon, I-"

 

Namjoon stood abruptly. "Don't. It's too late for that."

 

"I still-"

 

"No. It's been 5 years, _ Hyung _ . " Namjoon spoke as he turned. "I'm heading to bed. Goodnight "

  
  
  


Namjoon woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and panic in his throat.  _ He should not have said that.  _ He looked over at the time on the clock on his nightstand and sighed in relief. 6:00, Yoongi wouldn't be up. Namjoon grabbed clothes and slipped into them without a sound, before rushing out and to the company building. He had water bottled and painkillers stashed in their studios and desperately wanted to be out of the apartment that morning. 

 

He sat in the studio reliving the conversation, looking for where Yoongi could deduce that the lyrics were about him. He breathed a sigh of relief once he convinced himself that there were no obvious clues. He finally decided to look at his phone and sighed when he saw that he had 10 unread messages. 

 

Yoonie: what the hell was that? 

Yoonie: I talked to Jiho and he won't say anything.

 

Jkook: hey, is everything okay? 

Jkook: Jin said something happened with Zico-hyung

Jkook: im sorry I left early

 

Jin: hey joonie

Jin: I'm assuming ur asleep, not ignoring me

Jin: make sure to drink water if you do see this

 

He hesitates to open the last one. He doesn't know if he wants to know His reaction to last night. He has to though. And even if he didn't want or have to, Namjoon knows he could never resist.

 

Taco: hey I don't know what the deal is with not telling him... 

Taco: but it's your choice... So I won't tell Yoongi about our past. 

  
  
  
  
  


Namjoon spent the next few days avoiding his hyungs until Jungkook came to knock on his door. 

 

"Hyung, dance practice is in 10. Hobi sent me to get you, everyone else is stretching."

 

"What? Oh shit, I forgot..."

 

"Everything alright from that night? You haven't been around the dorms." Jungkook looked concerned, and that instantly made Namjoon feel guilty. He hadn't meant to isolate himself from Jungkook too but he couldn't handle the rest of them yet. 

 

"No, but it's okay, I'll get through. "

 

Kookie simply nodded as Namjoon stood up. They walked to the practice room in silence, Namjoon getting more nervous as they continued on. 

 

"Is it too late for me to run and hide in a closet somewhere? "

 

"Yup, you're already out, they all know you like boys, hyung," Jungkook grinned at his own joke as Namjoon rolled his eyes.

 

"You... spend too much time with Jin-hyung"

 

Jungkook laughed as he grabbed Namjoon by the arm and into the dance studio. 

 

"I found him! " Jungkook called into the room. 

 

"Joonie! " Yoongi called. "Come help me stretch, Hobi's trying to break me. "

 

"Yah, am not! "

 

"Are too, now off, Joonie can help me. Go fold Kookie like a pretzel" 

 

Namjoon froze for a second before nodding and going over to Yoongi. 

 

"He's right, Kookie needs more pressing since he's bendy. " Namjoon chuckled, "have mercy on your Grandpa Hyung"

 

Hobi stood up chuckling. "Alright, alright, sorry Hyungiie"

 

Namjoon watched for a moment as he left before moving to help Yoongi stretch. He had just swapped to stretching Yoongi's second hip when Yoongi spoke up. 

 

"Joon-ah? " he asked nervously. 

 

"Yea hyung? "

 

"What happened 5 years ago? " Yoongi asked. 

 

Namjoon froze for a moment, eyes wide, before collecting himself "Please don't ask. " 

 

"Joon-ah... I've been asking Jiho and he will only say it should be you I hear it from not him. " he sighed "I just... I can see it hurting him. "

 

Namjoon dropped Yoongi's leg. "Hurting him? "

 

"Yea... Whenever I bring it up he... "

 

Namjoon stood up. "Hurting him. Seriously? Does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that last night he was trying to apologize?!" Namjoon hissed. Jungkook's eyes snapped over to them quickly pushing Hobi off. 

 

"W-what? " Yoongi asked startled. 

 

"You want to know what happened?! I came out. I came out to DNH. And immediately after he and Kyung left. When they left, shit went south. The other guys respected them and Kyung was the one keeping the guys from tearing me apart. "

 

The room stared at him as he snapped at his hyung. All frozen except Jungkook, who came up to Namjoon and placed a hand on his shoulder. Namjoon startled, looking over to the maknae before realizing what he almost said. Jungkook looked at him softly. He took a breath to collect himself before he spoke again.

 

"Kyung left because Jiho-hyung asked him. " he breathed. "Jiho knew what was happening. He knew because I told him first. Because I thought he was the same. He knew what was happening because it happened in front of him until Kyung would put a stop to it. He knew what was happening because he joined in, Yoongi-hyung. "

 

"He what? "

 

"Yoongi-hyung, this is why I was crying in the studio that night. Because I thought he hadn't changed. Because not only was he still saying stuff like that, he was making money from it. "

 

"Hyung, just tell him" Jungkook whispered. 

 

"Tell me what? " Yoongi questioned.

 

"I can't, you know that, Kook. "

 

"At this rate, he'll figure it out then it will be worse. "

 

Namjoon sighed. Jungkook was right. He said too much. So he took a slow breath and looked back to Yoongi. 

 

"He said it to me. The line was what he said when I came out in front of everyone. When I begged them not to treat me differently. He said worse to me when he broke up with me. "

 

"You guys..."

 

"We were never friends. I was always in love with him. And he gave me the time of day. And not long after we began talking we started dating. He was my first everything. And then he told me he couldn't pretend to be gay, in less kind terms. And then he left taking everything including my last friend. "

 

"Joon-ah... "

 

"He shouldn't be the one everyone's protecting but he continues to be. He never even said sorry. " 

 

"Joonie I'm so-. 

 

"No.. Just leave it, I'm going home."

 

Namjoon turned to leave. "Hyung, I'll come with you. " Jungkook called running to grab his stuff. 

 

"No, Kook it's okay. I just want some time to myself okay?"

 

 "I'll check on you like normal okay? " Jungkook said hopefully. Namjoon really wanted to tell him no but he knew that he'd regret pushing him away too.

 

"Yea okay Kookie..." He sighed as he walked to the door. He paused briefly before leaving. "Thanks"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO that's chapter 3!
> 
> angst... drama .. revelations!!!!
> 
> I have one more in progress for this and I hope to finish it and upload. 
> 
> for all the peeps that read my other works i'm hopefully back properly now! i'll be uploading a bunch of random projects for a bit so there's no rhyme or reason to what I upload but if you come yell at me on twitter I'll tell you what I'm up to!
> 
>  
> 
> THanks!!
> 
> Come yell at me on Twitter ! [@MerySimBTS](http://www.twitter.com/MerySimBTS)


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